argh, days seem to be whizzing by me faster and faster. Like I cant seem to slow them or think at all. It feels like im just counting down the days I have left here. It's fucked up but true. I can't seem to reach the fact I just won't be here someday. Maybe were all eternal beings. I can only wish and hope. Life is one big mystery that i'm completely stuck on. Maybe it's just now, how things are right now that's making me crazy. Iv been really truly happy before and it's never really been while iv been around this place. I need a place, a job, someone, someone to love, something. Spilling whats on my mind always somehow helps. night!

ever get the sense that nothing outside of your mind matters? society is so fucked up I want no part of it. I don't want to be one of the people who ruin the world.

imagine.

You drift in. you drift out. Which way is up? Which way is down? does it surround us all? I wonder if it feels the same as I do. Strange floating sensations running through my spine as I look up at it. Awe and wonder fill my mind as I begin to think. Imagination. Inner thoughts that no one else can ever see. I want to spill them. I want them to spread. Anything is possible if you set your heart on it and truly want it. Goodbye.

blarghghghghghghghghg. why do I feel like my mind changes from day to day but I still feel the same? if that makes any sense AT ALL. 3:30 and im not in bed. I should be. sugar is keeping me up but not much longer. I should clean my room up tomorrow. it would be nice to have a clean room once a year I guess. im off to bed because i really cant think of anything else to say. night!!!!!!!!!! oh! i guess i could account my mind phasing on smoking a shit ton of weed at a party last night. it tends to screw me up when i comedown from it which is really why i dont smoke it everyday. but OH WELL. GOODNIGHT!

I have so much to say sometimes. I need to start writing songs. If anything it's a way to get my voice out. Being un-heard in the world is a shame.

Summer.

It's summer. A time for everything to be perfect. It never really is. I guess in the winter you get sad and blame it on the weather but when summer comes around and those blue skies show once more you still have all the same old problems you started out with. But Atleast you cant complain about the weather...much (Heat). Summertime as a kid was the best thing in the entire world. Wake up with no worries, no thoughts. What happens to that purity in your heart? I couldn't even guess if I tried. I suppose I should go to sleep. was just listening to music and had a spark of nostalgia looking through some pictures I took today. Hope you catch a glimpse of your purity in this picture. Nothing but a smile on your face the entire summer. Nothing but love.

notablogatall.

so when people get old do they just talk about unjuries and medical stuff? seems like it. God help me if I ever get so lonely for conversation that the only thing i can think of is injuries to talk about. I had a wonderful last week or so. The Oregon country fair and then camping up at fairview...well I suppose you cant really call it camping because the inside is so nice. We did get dirty/tired and sometimes angry at one another so it was pretty much camping. looking ahead my friends party is on august first. Dunno if I want to lug around a camera while hanging out with friends...seems strange and distracting. They do have about 5 live bands playing so I DONT KNOWWWWW. fuck I need sleep. showering only adds about 30 min onto my staying up time. Iv been looking at large format film cameras lately. I love the spookyness of some of the images from them. 1800's images. maybe maybe maybe. my birthday is in less than a month. wow I haven't even thought about it because everyones broke and Im not really expecting anything. I pretty much got nothing I asked for last year anyway. fuck im going to sleep before I start depressing myself how people in this family don't really know me very well. night!

every morning has a specialness about it. It really makes me feel that fairy tales are real and anything is possible. I can reach out my hand and have flowers growing from my fingertips. A daint smile in my eyes as I cherish all that surrounds me. I am at peace for one moment. I only wish I could share it with someone.

Chaos can help unwanted change. Sometimes you NEED it.

generation anonymous

wow so I was thinking. my generation has absolutely NO idols or anything we were overly crazy over. It's kind of fucked to be remember as being emo although I think it's just an age fad (Only lasts from like 13-16) I don't see many 20 year old emo kids. back to my main point, the generation below us has all the Disney money machines (jonas brothers, hannah montana) not to mention twilight. I really can't think of anything we were overly crazy over. Im kind of glad but at the same time it's weird to look back and not see anything to remember you of when you were a teen. I atleast chose people and doing things as my memories. sure they're not superstars but it's alot more respectable than freaking out about money machine pop idols. Maybe I was just blind to some crazy fad that swept over when I wasn't looking. I remember post 9/11 everything seemed really weird to me, It was possibly me growing up and seeing things for what they were but I don't know. people say 9/11 changed things. Oh well. I think I'm getting way too far in depth with this shit. I know it doesn't really matter and I should spend my time better than trying to think of stupid shit like this. 12am-3am seems to be my thinking time now. No matter how tired I am I always manage to stay up to 3am just so I can have some good alone thinking time. Maybe I should take some creative writing classes, maybe they would help clear my crazy mind out a bit. Anyway, off to bed for me....eventually.. Goodnight.

im weirdly happy/tired/awesome. im back to working out, mostly to relieve stress and shit. its actually working but replacing stress with aching muscles. I guess its a good tradeoff. I should write on here more often. I dunno, everytime I open it up my mind goes blank. need some topics or something that actually make sense. I need some sleep so Im going to bed. nighters!

does listening to the beatles automaticly make you happy? I seriously think so. also how is it 3:45?

sometimes.

My thoughts flow so smooth. crystal clear, endless. other times it seems my mind can't even put together a sentence. endless broken thoughts. Like I cant complete anything. I should be asleep.

Got my mbp back. fixed free of charge. awesomeness! spent about 3 hours last night recording until I went crazy.

lappy died so posts will be far and few within the next couple weeks. pfff who needs a computer anyway? Not I.

found some old pictures on an old photobucket from 3/4 years ago. dont really remember. Those two chicks are total lezbos. finals start tomorrow. I should fucking be in beddd. ARGh. the mountain is mt.rainier when we went to the indian reservation in washington to get fireworks. all in one day o.O

I really do think I'm happier alone. At least not in a relationship alone. Maybe I'll see the importance of it all one day but today is not that day.

Play your cards right. emotions? words? thoughts? you play them all out in hopes for gain. you can change it all in a second if you want. you can do anything you want. but does that solve anything? why do the good days always seem numbered? I cant stop thinking that there's always going to be an end.

Its really odd to see an overcast morning with everything green. it feels like a dream i had a couple weeks ago that iv been thinking about alot. just really weird weather and had that certain feel. It's really weird to feel things you had only felt in dreams before. if that makes sense? probably not.

<3

I have
a
smile
on
my
face.
Don't ask.

fuck. music is hard. well it's super fucking easy when your in the right mindset I guess. very patient and intricate is the ideal mind-set. I feel shooting people in the face right now. I guess I didnt really pick the best time to try this. but its frustrating as hell when you really WANT to create something awesome and beautiful but your own mind wont let you. I wish I was a machine and could just do everything flawlessly everytime but without the human aspect it wouldnt be awesome. wow I think too much.

I feel really weird. I dont really know why. Its like im indecisive about how I feel. Guess Im going to sleep. I feel lonely :(. I rarely feel lonely and I hate it when I do.

wow I just discovered my mound of ticket stubs and stuff. they date back to 04. jesus I was 13 lol. Il lay them all out sometime and take a picture. kinda NEATO to find all this old stuff.

Wow, I had a pretty nostalgic night. going through some old photos from when I was probably 7 or 8. weird how I have contact with pretty much all of my old friends from back then. I guess thats what you get for living in a small town. well its off to bed for me. <3

IM SO CRAZEH. or just happy. I don't really know.

holy crap. I have a weird tingling sensation around my lower chest, around the top of my stomach. it almost feels like when your really scared or something. Like a sense of panic. Its kinda freaking me out :(. I dont feel scared. well except for the weird feeling scared thing in my stomach, im scared about that. Maybe Iv finally lost it. Guess Il go try and watch something that'll take my mind off of it and try to pass out.

weird how I get anxious and nervous at night. I really hate it. even if im up all night I still dont feel right until the morning. ALSO. its weird how I know brits by how they look. Iv done it tons of times. see someone and just know they're brits before they even talk. they always have a certain expression or something. I can never really pinpoint it.

Wow. everything seems to have different meaning from day to day. Its really fucking confusing.

Im happy. it's weird. I don't want to explain it. Harrr. <3

I talk to myself alot. I think its because i rarely speak with anyone about whats going on inside my mind. Maybe I should try to more.

I find myself talking to myself alot. well more just the thoughts coming out of my head but i dont realize im talking. its kinda really fucking weird when i finally realize what im actually doing. Its mostly just random jibberish. nothing really deep or meaningfull. lol anyway time to pass out. <3

its kinda fucked up when you first get up and listen to a song it seems unbelievably fast but towards the end of the day if you listen to it again it seems normal. fucking weird how times seems to fluctuate sometimes. ;(

popcorn is pretty much the weirdest food ever. seriously dsglfdngjflnk.

i hate you sleep. I think i have insomnia or something. eh i just like being up when no one else is in the house.

today i looked outside at like 5:30 and it was STILL LIGHT OUT OMG. saffsKENJrkjwlgjsfkljbd *passout*

I did like nothing today and im so worn out. im listening to folk music and ITs GETTING ME SO SLEEPY OMG. tewreryjtewryrtiouytre